Regina Noctis

A week ago this moment, I was fidgeting in a seat on a small jet, waiting for it to taxi to the gate so I could deplane. I had days ahead of me with the love of my life, and I was too excited to sit still. It felt like the moment of that first meeting would never get there, as close as it was.

Here it is a week later, and it seems to have arrived so fast. Where did the time go? It doesn’t feel like that moment should be a week gone already.

In an eyeblink, it was over.

I suppose, now that time has gone by and I’ve had a chance to contemplate everything, I should put it down in this journal. While the events are fresh, while the details are still clear in my memory.

There are some things that, if detailed, will likely be private entries in my journal (violating, once again, the principle I expressed and the promise I made myself so recently.) I may have next to no sense of modesty about some things. But I know I’m the exception and not the rule. I know that my ghost is a more private person than I am, and doesn’t have my lack of boundaries in so many areas. So, since he’s the last person I want to make uncomfortable, I’ll keep those posts hidden.

Not that they’re in any way discontented. Quite the opposite. I just don’t want to violate his feelings.

And those detailed posts, well, they’ll just have to wait. Sleep first. I’m finally wound down from work and ready to sleep.

Since Carol’s in town, I might even unplug my phone. She already called and woke me up at my version of godawful in the morning, and that on a day I had to work. And it was for yet another drama moment, as tonight was.

Tonight may very well have been so extreme because of that early phone call. I was less than sympathetic (or coherent) since she managed to wake me out of an extremely deep sleep, on a day that I was exhausted anyway. I couldn’t do more than mumble and say “Wha’? Don’ un’erstan’…” And I couldn’t. I was far more asleep than awake, and the only things I was able to understand at the time were that Carol was on the phone, and she was attempting to sound like she was crying.

I’ve been hearing that playacted choked-up voice every day and every night since I got back from Jersey.

After all of that, I need my sleep. Too many short nights with too much Carol drama interrupting them, with yet more Carol drama in between.

Of course, I’ll leave my phone plugged in. Just in case my angel calls rather than Carol. I don’t care if I’ve been asleep for all of three minutes. Sometimes, talking with your honey is more important than catching up on sleep. This is one of those weekends.

I just hope Carol decides to give me a break from her drama. I could do without the neverending lies, stories, and tales she throws around in order to be the center of attention. At least for the moment.

Of course, they’ve given me neverending stories of my own… There’s nothing like comparing Carol stories for a lot of laughs, after the fact.

The Japanese Princess in Salem and the husband she has in this life are in town.

As per usual, it’s been drama, drama, drama since they got here.

Tonight took the cake. Princess threatened suicide. I think she thought she was talking to the 17-year-old girl she met, 15 years ago, who would have panicked and gone insane. Exactly the kind of drama that Princess loves.

She said, “This is it! This is the end. Now I’ll be gone, it will be over, and it’s too late to do anything about it. Goodbye. I love you.” She then hung up while I was in the middle of trying to say her name.

Rather than agonize for hours over whether she was okay or not, I tried once to call her back and got no response, and then promptly dialled 911.

An APB has gone out on her.

After that, I called Camille and Dreamy to tell them about it, if they answered. They didn’t. So I left a very frustrated message. I’m not sure I was exactly coherent, I was so frustrated. I’m sick and tired of these games of the Drama Princess’s. At the time I left the message, I was beyond sick and tired. I was actively angry.

Oh well, they will either call when they get the message, or come across this entry in my journal and know what that message was about.

Then, I quietly went back to what I’d been doing before. No agonizing because I know she’s so full of shit, we could fertilize every plot of farmland on the planet if we ground her up and spread her around. And I’d done everything I could, since she was out driving around and talking to me on her cell phone when she decided to pull this stunt. Not like I knew where she was, and not like it’s my job to deal with this. I’ll let the professionals do that.

So, I went back to surfing around, looking for a particular style of classic Greek lyrical poem in translation to English. And thirty minutes later, as I knew she would, Drama Princess called back.

She was so angry to find out that I’d called 911 and spoken with both Sunnyvale and Mountain View police. She claimed that she wasn’t going to kill herself when she called, and never tried to tell me that she was. She was just running away, going to rent a hotel room in the City and order room service and try to relax and calm down from the fights she had with her mother and husband.

Bullshit. She was trying to panic me into thinking she was gonna off herself. I know her better than that.

She only invented this story because I wasn’t panicking. She’d been hoping for hysterical tears of relief, rather than a coldly factual recital of the 911 call, the two calls to the police, and the APB out for her and all three of the cars I know she drives around here.

Since I wasn’t playing the game, she then announced she was going to her mom’s house to go to sleep. No more dinner plans, which had been the start of the whole merry go-round. Dinner and talking about the latest fight with her hubby.

So, I’m off to eat without her. It’s better company this way, anyway.

Some days, there are just too many people in my life that need to be locked away. They’re crazy, and they’re driving me there on a bullet train.

According to Human For Sale, anyway. To quote:

You are worth exactly: $2,058,758.00.

We hope you can find somebody who is wealthy enough to afford you.

Guess my angel had better start saving his money.

Of course, if he took the same test, my personal theory is that we’ll discover he’s worth a good deal more and I am the one who needs to be saving. ;)

I got woken up at 10 this morning. Ten, when I didn’t get to sleep until 6:45. That’s way too early.

But you know, I can’t be unhappy about it right now.

I’m too busy still floating on Cloud 9 from the extended weekend I had with my angel. AND I was getting woken up for a very very good reason.

*waves the official little blue booklet around* My passport arrived and I had to go sign for it.

WOOHOO!!! Another step closer to London, Paris, Egypt, Greece, and Turkey with Steve and Kara Bailey!

And I just found out that no, I don’t have to buy a ticket back. Steve will be flying me back from Greece as well as to Greece.

August 15! Oh my God it’s so close now!

If only I could pack Pete in my suitcase and take him with me…

Do you think that Steve and Kara would buy that he’s my carryon luggage?

I’m back from New Jersey! A little sunburned, rugburned, beardburned, but otherwise none the worse for wear.

All the better for wear, truth be told.

Damn, spent hours and hours on the trip home and I still can’t get this grin off my face.

Details some other time. Maybe.

For now, I’ll just say… it was WONDERFUL and I wanna do it again!

This Friday! This Friday is it! WOOHOO!! I can’t wait! I’m so excited and nervous, though far more the former. I finally get to see my wonderful, sweet, generous, amazing honey!

If I bounce off the walls any harder between now and then, I’m gonna break something. OMG, it’s right around the corner, how’d it get here so fast??

And less than a month until my amazing once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe on a private Leer jet, to be led around Egypt and Greece by a family of archaeologists. And to experience being an archaeologist at the dig at the city of Troy. OMG I can’t believe it’s so close! I’ve been anticipating this one since last November!

What an amazing couple of months this is going to be!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Happened across this, and thought I’d put it here… My sign according to the Celtic Zodiac.

The Ivy

September 30 – October 27

Celtic Tree Alphabet: Gort

Planet: The Moon veiling Persephone

Gemstone: Opal

Flower: Woody Nightshade

Archetypal Character: Arianrhod

Characteristics:

Ivy people are sharp of intellect yet remain modest. They have a unique style all of their own. They have a serious side that balances the wit they own. Their own doubts and fears can manifest into strange dreams and personal encounters.

Their true talents are rarely learned from books or conventional learning. Ivy people tend to make poor students, they tend to prefer using their own ideas as opposed to those of others.

People born under this sign have a profound artistic flair. People tend to value the friendship of Ivy people.

Positive Aspects:

Ivy people tend to be very loyal to friends, and have no difficulty accepting full responsibility for their actions.

Negative Aspects:

Ivy people can be very manipulative people, who will use their position to influence others for their benefit. They tend to attract instable energies in their life.

The weekend was (obviously) far from relaxing. Now I don’t want to go to work. I need a day to recover from my days off.

Unfortunately, I learned my work ethic from a workaholic, and it’s so thoroughly ingrained that I’ll drive myself nuts stressing over the fact that I didn’t go to work when I’m not truly sick. Especially since I already have a half-day off this week, and Monday and Tuesday off next week, since I’ll be off to New Jersey.

Guess I’ll have to wait until this coming weekend to unwind, and unwind with my honey.

Still wish I was capable of getting around my problem with taking a mental health day today, though. I’m going to be pretty useless at work. And rather hurty, since the kinks in my back and shoulders haven’t released after the weekend’s stress. I’m still horribley sore, like I’ve been punched in the back repeatedly.

I can’t even ask a friend for a shoulder rub to get the knots out. Shoulder rubs, massages, these things make me tense up more. *grumbles*

Oh well. *sighs* Off I go!

…beyond being surprised that there aren’t some higher ratings in this. I somehow thought the test would show me as being more messed up than I am.

Then again, if I had taken it a year and a half ago, it would have. The wonders of 12-stepping, when it works.

Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Thanks, Snow White, for yet another test to add to the waaaaaay too many personality tests and such that I do. lol

I got the latest update on the situation down in Delano.

Last night, John went to Bakersfield, where his dad and his dad’s family live. He went to their house to find out where Becky and the kids were and take them back home. He wound up threatening first his dad, then all of his dad’s family. He said that he’d kill someone before he left. His dad called the police. John has been arrested, and Becky is going to press charges. She was taken to a hospital (at last! Damned battered woman syndrome. I so know the whole avoiding-medical-care thing connected with that.) While there, photos were taken of her face to go into evidence against John.

John called my mom this morning to ask her to bail him out. In spite of everything he’s done, she had a hard time telling him no. She and most of the rest of the family is far too softhearted where he’s concerned.

He needs to be put away, it’s that simple. And, at last, he will be. At least for a while. Long enough that we can get a head start on getting Becky and the kids someplace safe.

Thank you, everyone! Thank you for all the support, whether left here in the journal, or in person. It means so much to me, the way you all gathered around when things got bad.

I’m tired. Worn out from stress and worry since I found out about the cousin John debacle that started at 3 on Friday morning. I was exhausted by nine. I felt like I was ready to fall over and sleep for a good twenty hours.

I guess I was wrong, cause here it is three in the morning and I still can’t get to sleep.

I’m wound too tight. The muscles in my back and shoulders are knotted with the tension of this ongoing situation. Every update just stretches me a little tighter, adds just that tiny bit more tension. I’m already to the point that I’m so sore, physically sore, from the stress that it feels like I’ve been beaten.

The police say that they can’t (I’m reading that as won’t) do anything unless Becky presses charges. Becky is too scared to press charges. She’s convinced that they’ll put John away for a couple years, then he’ll get out and hunt her and the kids down and kill them all.

She plans to just leave him. But I don’t think that John will take it that easily. He may try to hunt them down if he’s NOT put away. That would be his style. That two years, if that’s all he’s in for, could give her a good head start and a chance to get far enough away that she could get out of his range.

I want to talk to her about it, and point out some of the options she has to cover her tracks and make herself even more difficult to find. But I don’t have her number, and the two people in the family who know are refusing to give her number to anyone. I guess on the theory that what the rest of us don’t know, we can’t accidentally let slip to John.

They said that they’d give her my number. I wonder if she’ll call me.

Meantime, John has begun to holler threats against my mom and grandmother’s lives at them over the phone. Says that he’ll kill them if they don’t tell him where that “whore I married and her fucking brats” went.

Nice thing to call your wife and children, huh?

When I found out that was happening, I walked Mom through some rudimentary setup to tape incoming calls on the phone. Not that I really have any expertise in the area. Nor do they have equipment. It’s jury-rigged and I don’t know if it will work, but I think it should. I’m no genius, but I’m decent at jury-rigging stuff to at least semi-work on a temporary basis.

Maybe the police will take it a little more seriously if they have those threats on tape.

I don’t like where this looks like it’s headed.

I wish that Mom would just check Grandma into the hospital for a while. She’s really sick anyway, to the point that she spends the day laying on the couch, unable to move, and looking so much like she died that my mom keeps going in to check on her to see if she’s still breathing. If Grandma was in the hospital, she’d be taken care of so she’d get over whatever it is she’s got AND she’d be safe from my cousin. And then Mom would be free to get out of there too. Go hide out at my uncle John’s, or come up here. Let my asshole cousin self-destruct down there without giving him access to any of the family to take with him.

But just TRY To get those two stubborn women to listen to any of that!

Mom and Grandma made it through the night. Despite my fears that my cousin, in the midst of his drug-related psychosis, would take it into his head to attack them last night, he didn’t. Thank Goddess.

I knew that it was a very real, and very serious, possibility. One of the times he got thrown in prison in the past was after he beat my grandmother. And one of the things he didn’t get thrown in prison for, and should have, was when he broke my mom’s foot.

Everyone keeps backing off when it comes to seriously making an attempt to put him away for good, or even close to it. I know he’s family, and I know that they keep hoping that he’ll straighten out. But he’s not doing it, and he’s not going to. We’ve proven that prison doesn’t work for rehabilitating him. We’ve proven that hospitalizing him does nothing to improve him. He’s too good at convincing them that he’s not actually a danger to anyone during that first mandatory 72-hour hold for observation. He has been released both times he got hospitalized. One of those times was through family involvement, the other time it was ordered by the court.

I think that the only way to contain the menace that he is is to put him away for good. Whether it’s a prison, or commitment to a hospital, he needs to be where he can’t hurt the family any longer.

Well, death would work too. And believe me, there’ve been times that it even seems like an option.

So, my grandma continues too ill to move, my mom continues staying there to take care of and protect her, and my cousin continues in the house adjacent to theirs.

This is going to drive me fucking insane eventually. I hate feeling so goddamned helpless.

Thank you Camille. If it hadn’t been for you and the movie, I probably would have been certifiable by now.

I’m gonna go nuts. Right here, right now. Driving around didn’t help. I’d take Doug’s suggestion, but I don’t know anyone who owns a firearm other than the psychotic cousin in question. I don’t even know anyone who lives down there who isn’t family anymore. It’s been too long since high school. I wasn’t able to get hold of anyone to talk to then, and I know that I can’t call around at 1 in the morning. I won’t do that to my friends, as much as I need the company.

All I can do is sit and wait for the phone to ring.

And hope that if it does, it’s not the police calling to tell me that my family has been slaughtered by that bastard John.

I was going to go down to Delano for the weekend. See my mom and my grandmother, pick up the new computer.

I just spent an hour on the phone with my mom.

I’m not going.

And for all I know, my mom and my grandmother will be dead by morning, and the police are being NO FUCKING HELP WHATSOEVER

My cousin John, the one who needs to be locked up and has been violent in the past, has snapped. Worse than before.

His wife and their four kids have cleared out, but not until he beat the shit out of his son (who’s like all of 8) and threw him out of the house at three in the morning.

John hit his wife Becky in the face so hard, her eye swelled shut and her cheekbone was broken.

He bought a gun and held it to his kids’ heads, one at a time, while telling them what horrible kids they are and how he’ll kill them all if they don’t start doing what he says.

John’s mother called the cops on him. The cops took TWO HOURS to get there. TWO FUCKING HOURS.

They didn’t take John away. They never saw Becky or Junior, so they never saw the damage that John had done.

Becky and the kids are now at cousin John’s dad’s house in Bakersfield. That leaves John and his gun alone in the house… and my mom and my grandmother in the house next to it. No cops are there to keep an eye open and make sure he doesn’t go after them next.

Everyone in the family is aware that they’re in danger. But the cops seem to think this is all no big deal.

They should know better. They’ve had to arrest my cousin before, for all kinds of drug charges, assault charges, battery charges.

My mom wants to get my grandmother out of there. But grandma is very sick. She can’t leave, and my mother won’t let her mother face all this alone. I wanted to go down there. I’d at least be younger, and not above slitting the bastard’s throat if that’s what it took to keep my family safe.

But Mom knows the emotional blackmail strings on me too well, and managed to wring a promise out of me to stay up here. And she knows that I keep my promises even when they tie me in knots.

If that fucker hurts my family again, I’m calling in every favor I’ve ever been owed and putting myself in debt on owing favors myself to others, and cousin John will suffer in ways he never dreamed possible.

The time to let my mom restrain me is about over.

Meantime, I desperately need to get out of here and talk to someone. I’m strung so tight I feel like I’M going to snap from all the tension.

No one’s answering their phones, though. They’re all either asleep or out. I’ve been trying to call around for the last 20 minutes.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh, writing in here is NOT helping. I’m far too furious. The rage is not going away.

Okay, I’m out of here. Maybe driving around will help.

Goddammit. Can’t even call Pete. He’s not going to be home this weekend.

A week from tomorrow, I leave for New Jersey to finally see my Pete.

This week has gone by at a snail’s pace. It feels like it’s been a month since last Friday.

Next week will probably be even worse, in the fine tradition of the kid-approaching-Christmas waiting period. Remember those days? How the closer it got, the longer it seemed to take to get there?

All through the week, I’ve been obsessing on the simple things. Even the most innocent and casual things, like holding hands when we go to Ocean City and stroll the boardwalk.

Tonight’s a different obsession. And it isn’t the innocent kind. I’m feeling that whole Woman In Her Sexual Peak thing today. There’s been nonstop thinking about sex today. Most of my life, a very un-me obsession.

It’s apparently very me, today. I could probably have been struggling frantically to save a dozen lives, including my own, in some horrendous disaster, and still been thinking about getting laid. Just seems to be the way today is going.

So, at the moment, the debate is not “What romantic dinner should we have together, followed by what movie appropriate for snuggling, the night we do the dinner and a movie thing?”

Tonight, the debate is “Wonder whether I should allow him out of the hotel room once in a great while, or just insist that we keep going until he passes out from sheer exhaustion, and then do it all over again as soon as he wakes up again?”

I was gonna mention this last night, but got sleepy and forgot.

Graffiti spotted near where I work:

Support bacteria. It’s the only culture some people have.

I’m tired about two hours early. Like, super tired, could easily fall asleep right here at the keyboard. Except I prefer to go to work tomorrow without QWERTY decorating my forehead. So, off to a pair of comfy soft pajamas, a lovely pillowtop mattress, and many dreams of my wonderful sweetheart that I love so much and will be seeing in less than two weeks. G’night!

Swirve.com personality test

I took it and I agree, but I don’t agree… These were the results.

Personality profile

The Healer

You are a rare individual. Idealistic almost to a fault, the Healer is known for his or her selfless and caring nature. Oftentimes a quiet sort, you have a hidden passion for life that no one else can understand. You want to — and you can — make such a difference in this world. The question you often find yourself asking is, “Why can’t other people see this side of me?” Unfortunately, that’s just your nature. Lots of people (who you may resent) go out seeking attention, but you’d rather have it come to you. That doesn’t always happen because its just not a perfect world.

People who don’t know you might first think “boring” when speaking with you. You know better, though — even if you are tempted to believe them at times. To those that know better, you can be an incredibly special friend. Seek out these kinds of people and you’ll find life to be much richer — let the others miss out on the hidden treasure that is you.

Throughout your life, you may face an awkward internal fight between good and bad. Your desire to do right is balanced by an equally-powerful need to avoid wrong. Everyone makes bad decisions — that’s just a part of life. But when you do something you know is wrong, that stupid conscience of yours makes you feel terrible. Oh, the horrors of being a Healer.

Possible Careers: Social Worker, College Professor

Lisa’s Opinion (Swirvology personality profile)

Lisa says…

You are quiet, reflective, and idealistic… BORING! C’mon now, I think it’s great that you’re so loyal and laid back, but get your ass out of the background and into the limelight! A little bit of attention couldn’t hurt.

Besides, who knows, maybe people will start listening to your hairbrained ideas rather than stuffing you into lockers. Yeah, you know I’m right.

Possible Career: Voo-doo Master

Thanks to Witchie for this one!

You have 17 points towards Chaos.
You have 5 points towards Good.
Analysis
You are Chaotic Neutral.

I’m not surprised at all. There’s a reason I’ve always adored playing chaotic neutral thieves. It’s kinda sorta typecasting. ;)