Regina Noctis

What can I do
Pictures of you still make me cry
Trying to live without your love
It’s so hard to do
Some nights I’ll wake up
I’ll look at your pillow
Hoping that I’ll see you there

But I get up each day, not much to say
I’ve nowhere to go
Loneliness fills me up inside
‘Cause I’m missing you

So if you’ll give us a chance to remember
The love we had once together
Wait and see
Time is all that we really need
I’m praying you won’t say no
I mean to tell you

Don’t let it end
Baby we could have so much more
Don’t let it end
Honey please don’t walk out that door

I’m telling you baby, I made my mistakes
But I’ll make you this promise to do what it takes
I’ll be there to protect you and hold you tight
You got my lovin’ baby every single night

Don’t let it end
I’m begging you, don’t let it end this way
Don’t let it end
I’m begging you, don’t let it end this way

Don’t let it end
Baby we could have so much more
Don’t let it end
Honey please don’t walk out that door
Don’t let it end
I’m begging you don’t let it end this way
Don’t let it end
I’m begging you don’t let it end this way, no, no, no
No, no, no

What will I do
If you say we’re through
I need you to stay, honey
Don’t let it end this way.

And on a side note, I succeeded in getting into my costume all by myself. It was the dress that Camille made for me for last Halloween. I’ve always needed someone to strap me into the vest/bodice, because it was made too tight for me to be able to reach around and fasten it or fasten it ahead of time and just pull it on. It was meant to be that way, as most bodices are.

I was in need of proof of weight loss, because I’m losing sight of progress. I am regressing to the mental image I carry of myself, as I was before I lost about 200 pounds.

Discovering that the dress was loose enough that I could get into it myself made me realize just how much weight I’ve lost, just since last BayCon when I still needed help to strap myself into that dress. Of course, it also meant that it was loose enough that it no longer gave me six miles of cleavage, but you can’t have everything.

It just sucks that my most effective weight loss plan seems to be The Breakup Diet anymore.

I should see about getting a scale and find out where I am now. After my big drop from the days when I was pushing maximum density, I was about 100 pounds away still from where I wanted to be. Well, I’ve had three breakups with my usual months-long loss of appetite since then. I should probably find out where I am in relation to my goal one of these days.

There’s not a morning that I open up my eyes
And find I didn’t dream of you
Without a warning, though it’s never a surprise
Soon as I awake, thoughts of you arise
With ev’ry breath I take

At any time or place
I close my eyes and see your face
And I’m embracing you
If only I believed that dreams come true

Darling, you were the one who said “forever” from the start
And I’ve been drifting since you’ve gone
Out on a lonely sea that only you can chart
I’ve been going on, knowing that my heart would break
With ev’ry breath I take

I try to tell myself
To let the memory of you die slow
By letting time be my friend
By letting go of what was
The pain will end
It never does

At any time or place
I close my eyes and see your face
And I’m embracing you
If only I believed that dreams come true

Darling, you were the one who said “forever” from the start
And I’ve been drifting since you’ve gone
Out on a lonely sea that only you can chart
I’ve been going on, knowing that my heart would break
With each and ev’ry breath
With ev’ry breath I take

It’s my sister’s birthday today.

Happy birthday, sis! I love you soooooo much! I hope you have an amazing day, cause then it’ll almost be as wonderful as you are. :)

o/~ Thiiiiiiiiiis… iiiiiiiiiis… your birthday song. It isn’t very long.

:D

One thing I CAN focus at least some of that anger on…

Just because you’re sporting an American flag on your car doesn’t mean you get to drive like a fucking asshole.

Seems like every commute to and from work, anyone who does anything stupid on the road has a flag on their antenna or a flag sticker on the rear window or bumper.

Get the fuck off the road if you can’t show some consideration. I’m getting mightily sick and tired of people cutting me off, or trying to come over into my lane without checking and forcing me to slam on my brakes or go onto the shoulder to avoid an accident.

I do see some sane drivers who have a flag somewhere on their vehicle…

But most of the ones I’ve seen are pricks.

I think I’m starting to see why some yippies started taking an air rifle in the car and plugging a couple shots into the trunk. Small hole in the car, no damage to the people in the car, but an almighty loud THUNK to put some fear in the idiots.

I’m angry. Not at anything in particular. It has no focus. I know the causes, but the causes are nothing I can actually focus it on. It’s all quite reasonable. No hate, no blame.

But goddammit, I’m pissed off. I have this urge to throw something just to hear it break.

This is much easier to deal with when I can actually be angry at someone or something. Then I don’t feel like I’m going to lash out at someone over a minor irritation, or over nothing.

I’m also much more of a bitch to people lately because of it. I do it in a joking way, so it can be laughed off. And so far, the people who get hit with it the most have done exactly that. For all the joking words and the tone of voice I intentionally keep light, there is anger fueling it. A desire to be mean just because I’m pissed off at the world right now.

And, of course, some of that anger, since it has nowhere else to focus, gets turned on me. There’s no joking there. I’ve had internal dialogues where I’ve pretty thoroughly savaged myself, and usually over something stupid that doesn’t warrant that kind of reaction.

And, possibly the dumbest part of it all, is that I get angry that I’m angry at myself and everything else. Lovely cycle, no?

This may swing back into being sad about everything. Who knows. It did last time I reached the angry stage. Of course, that time, the anger only lasted a day. By the time I’d posted a rather oversized “WHAT THE FUCK” it was already on its way out. This time, it’s gone on for days.

Because of this current idiotic emotional state, I’ve been avoiding my friends page somewhat. If I do read anyone’s journal, I skim through fast, and try not to leave comments unless I have something relatively silly to say. Because much of the time, this unfocused general feeling of being angry will find a focus in what someone’s saying and I’ll have the urge to tear someone apart. Not in every entry people make, and not even every friend. But many. There’ve been a couple times I’ve wanted to say “Are you STUPID? WHAT the fuck are you THINKING??” or some such equally unfair commentary. Or else it’s been a case of “Well then, if it’s a problem, stop fucking whining about it and DO something about it.”

Of course, I should take my own advice there.

Stop whining, you bitch.

The tooth that broke in half a couple years ago, and then abscessed so I had to have a root canal, is at it again.

I wasn’t able to have a crown put on it yet. My dentist was saying it would probably be next year before that happened.

Well, while eating dinner last night, another piece of the tooth broke off.

At this rate, there won’t be anything left to put a crown on.

C’mon you bitch, stop moping over a guy who wouldn’t even answer your email asking him if what he really wanted was to just let things fade away for good. He wouldn’t even say yay or nay to that, and let you either try to fix things or get on with mourning and healing. Stop this feeling sorry for yourself right the fuck now.

I AM 64% GOTH.

Image and attitude are my paths to Goth-dom.
Graceful and scary. I am the Master, with
many slaves.

Take the GOTH Test at Fuali.com!

Of course, I bet Liggy’s score would put the rest of us to shame. ;)

My birthday party last night was fun. The food was great, and the company better than that. Camille wasn’t into the roasted garlic timbales. I liked them, Camille liked to play with them. And the dessert was a little on the sweet, rich side. But all in all, it was a good dinner. I really loved the duck and plum tartlets, and the gorgonzola walnut tartlets. The barbecued wild boar spareribs were yummy, and the Smurf Village ladies made a yummy salad to go with it all (I so love avocado, and they put plenty in the salad.) There was good, crusty bread and lots of wine, red and white both.

The best part, though, was spending time with a selection of my friends.

I’ll have to go into more detail later, perhaps after work. I wanted to write all of this earlier, but my ISP went down last night and didn’t come back up until around 2. Now it’s approaching time to leave for work, and I should go run through the shower and get ready.

The reason I say I’m never satisfied is that, despite the party, by the time I drove myself home, I was sad all over again. Felt like crying again in spite of having fun and enjoying the time I got to spend with Camille, sml977, Dreamy, Figbash, and Locke.

I miss Sylvan and Wolfie.

I miss Pete.

So I got home and absorbed myself in reading the third Harry Potter book, which Locke gave me for my birthday. When nothing else does, those books can make me forget, for a little while, to feel anything.

Anyhow, off to yet another day of being annoyed at my job.

I AM 43% GEEK.

I probably work in computers, or a history
department at a college. I never really
fit in with the “normal” crowd. But I have
friends, and this is a good thing.

Take the GEEK Test at Fuali.com!

I AM 58% PUNK.

The intelligent punk. Tuff and Smart. I
may be able to maintain a train of thought
long enough… What the fuck was I talking
about?

Take the PUNK/POSER Test at Fuali.com!

The Name Game thanks to doeadear.

CHRISTOPHINE

——————————————————————————–
From the Italian root meaning “Tainter of Air”
——————————————————————————–
Characteristics
Christophine does terrible things to small animals with staplers.

Personality
Christophine wants to be an EC dancer.

Natural
Christophine might die without Kenny G.

Emotional
Christophine is a pathetic loser.

Character
Christophine runs from commitment.

Physical
Christophine is uglier than a two-peckered billy-goat.

Mental
Christophine is an unreliable drunkard.

Motivation
Christophine strives to make others cry.

Or, if you prefer…

OLIVIA

——————————————————————————–
From the Indian root meaning “Vain Asshole”
——————————————————————————–
Characteristics
Olivia knows nothing about anything.

Personality
Olivia laughs at others’ pain.

Natural
Olivia likes sheep a great deal.

Emotional
Olivia detests happy people.

Character
Olivia runs from commitment.

Physical
Olivia brushes her teeth with chedder cheese.

Mental
Olivia is rude and disruptive.

Motivation
Olivia gets aroused by her reflection.

Now, if you excuse me, I have an appointment with that sexy chick in the mirror… :p

Haven’t written much of anything for a while. I’m feeling sad, and not about any one thing. It’s a whole bunch of stuff. Nothing that I’m going to get into here and now. I should be heading to bed.

Just have this urge to cry, and have had for several days now. Maybe giving in to the urge will make it go away. Though the situations that have brought the mood on will still exist, so who knows?

I hope it blows over before my birthday dinner on Sunday…

In support of Figbash, I hereby post this several times in a row. A show of solidarity, if you will.

The days of Journal Spamming have begun. :D

In support of Figbash, I hereby post this several times in a row. A show of solidarity, if you will.

The days of Journal Spamming have begun. :D

In support of Figbash, I hereby post this several times in a row. A show of solidarity, if you will.

The days of Journal Spamming have begun. :D

…Since that’s where I’ll be interviewing for a new job soon. Hehehe

Thank you, you wonderful, sweet, caring, beautiful goddess of a woman you!

(And yeah, I thought so before I got this call, too. *grins*)

On top of that, this damn cold/flu thing I caught seems to be finally on its way out. I haven’t been coughing like I was. Once in, oh, the last 14 hours. My voice is already healing. If I’d only stop feeling so tired and my nose would stop running, now, I’d feel great. But I’m much closer to that now than I was at work yesterday!

I normally avoid getting Christmas presents for people. Usually I haven’t been able to afford it come Christmas time. I’ve been living from paycheck to paycheck, or between jobs and unable to even afford to feed myself on a daily basis, or living on parental largesse.

This year, I can afford some modest presents. And I found what I think I’m going to get for a number of people. It requires making an arbitrary decision… I have to decide which of the four Houses from the Harry Potter series my friends fit into. I have gone through and done exactly that, though there are some that I could be swayed either way on.

I got curious, in the process, where everyone else would place the same list of friends that I plan to shop for (and yes, I include myself on this list, cause there’s no way in hell I’m not going to buy myself one of these as well.) On the ones that I’m unsure on, I may even go with majority vote.

The list o’ friends are also welcome to check out the Hogwarts Sorting Hat and post their results on this entry if they want. I’ll include the results in considering which one to get for them.

For those who haven’t read or don’t remember the traits associated with the houses, this is what the Sorting Hat had to say about them in the first book:

You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a ready mind,
Where those of wit and learning
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.

So, click away!