Regina Noctis

Sleep made it better.

Now to get me some more of that.

A year ago, after BayCon was over, I had a talk with about him coming out to California for BayCon this year. I wanted to show him around the convention, introduce him to my friends, curl up in the hotel room with him when we were done wandering about. He was interested, though it meant that he’d miss the party his friends have every year at that time. That was how it was supposed to be. If it had worked out, I wouldn’t have been doing night registration this year. It’s a large part of why I didn’t agree to do night reg again until around my birthday. That’s when I gave up hope of ever being with my angel again.

Now con is over. The end of con has always made me a little sad. Saying so many goodbyes this time made it even worse.

And then you add this on top of all the rest.

I’m still having a hard time letting go. It’s nothing like things were when Jeff left me. Mixiebear didn’t drive me to the edge of sanity for months before leaving me, and then do everything in his power to snap those last threads of sanity after he was gone. Jeff sure did that. And I hope to never be in that state again. But…

But I still can’t help but miss Mixiebear, and wish that it could be again. It never will be, and I know that. But it still hurts. Not that desperate, insane, all-consuming pain that drove me around the whole Jeff thing. I can push this aside for a while, I can live my life in spite of it. I can keep a grip on reality. It just doesn’t go away. After so many relationships where I had to fool myself that I was happy, to lose the real thing is harder than it should be. It was a short relationship, after all. It didn’t even last a year. And I know that I should be over it by now.

Mostly, I am. But there are still nights, the bad nights, when it ambushes me. When I cry all over again, and the wound is opened fresh, and I feel like I’d give anything to be with Mixiebear again. Tonight has been one of those nights. The end of BayCon has brought it all back, at least for tonight. It will probably be gone once I’ve gotten some sleep. But for this moment, for this night, the pain is back as if it had never gone.

I know I’ve got friends who love me. I know I’ve got family that care. I know that I’m not alone. But that’s what I feel right now. Alone, and lonely. A hole where I was happy at this time last year, a hole in my heart with a sign that says, “Vacant, and never now to be filled.”

I know how this all sounds. Intellectually, I know this feeling of being forever alone is a false feeling. But it is, nevertheless, how I feel right now. I know that someday, the wound will be healed for good, and that gaping hole in my heart will be filled with feelings for someone else, and happiness because of that someone else. But right now, it feels like only Mixiebear is right to take away that emptiness and aloneness.

And once again, it’s a struggle. A struggle to not give up, to have hope that there’s something more than this. The temptation is there, and very strong, to just quit. To avoid anything more than friendship for good. Honestly, in most ways, life was so much easier during the seven or so years that I avoided anything that even hinted at a romantic relationship. That should surprise no one. In every relationship but for one, the last one, there was a lot of pain, physical and emotional both. I know I’ve got the scars from those wounds, and likely always will to one degree or another. The temptation is to play it safe, to let the scars win, to not take the chance of getting hurt again. To give over, give out, give up. See if I can remember how I disconnected it when I was 20, and this time never let happen again. Let fear of the hurt that, right now, seems inevitable rule my life.

But I can’t be that much of a hypocrite. I had a friend once upon a time that did let fear rule his life that way. I once told him he was like a turtle. He’d built a hard shell for himself, and tucked himself away there rather than face the fear and conquer it. Once in a while, he’d stick his head out of the shell to grab something he really wanted, and then he’d retreat and keep the status quo as long as he could. Not taking risks, not willing to take chances. He’d complain all the time that happiness wasn’t being handed to him on a silver platter, shoved into his shell so he wouldn’t have to risk hurt in order to get it. At the same time, he was proud of hiding the way he was. I used to harp on it all the time to him. Every time he complained about how things just passed him by, I would tell him in great detail that you have to take risks for the big rewards. You had to be willing to stretch your neck out, not knowing whether it was the chopping block or the diamond necklace waiting outside the safety of the shell. Or better yet, throw the shell away and swim the currents and go after what you want.

After all of that, I feel like I have to live up to my own words. As tempting as it is to let fear and pain win, to never take the risk to avoid the possibility of hurt, I can’t do that. And so I throw away my shell, and I keep swimming. Even though the current’s strong and there are predators in the water, I intend to go on fighting the desire to hide and never surface again.

And maybe… maybe someday… there will be a Mixiebear that doesn’t go away.

Okay, so, there was that date I went on with Mike, the one that went really well. I really liked him, everything seemed to go really well, and you should have seen how big his smile was when I agreed that yes, we had to do it again soon. I was really looking forward to another date.

But, that ain’t happening again, apparently.

I am sorry I have not written in so long. So thing have changed since we last spoke and I should have been forthcoming. So, here it goes…

Shortly after you left on vacation, I was pulled to North Carolina unexpectedly. Work had to be done and they were short handed so I went. While there, I went and visited my folks and friends in Mississippi. I had a fun time. Here is what involves this, a girlfriend I had left behind when I left, Kristen, and I hit it off again. Basically, she had broken up with me because I left and now she is in more of a position to travel. So this has started all over again.

I don’t know if things will work out with her or not, but I have to give it a chance. This is why I have not written. It was bad timing on my part.

So that is where things stand at the moment…

I hope to hear from you.

Mike

I intend to pursue a friendship with him, so I’m going to write back. But it’s still disappointing.

I’m going back to bed. This day isn’t turning out that well thus far, and sleeping will make it go away faster.

I always get a bit blue at the end of con. I’ve even gotten a little sniffily and teary-eyed before.

This year was worse, because of all the goodbyes (no matter how temporary) involved.

is gone. is gone. is gone. is gone. Joyce is gone. Phil is gone.

Just too many goodbyes.

I was crying a bit when I drove away after dropping off Locke at the BART station last night.

I was really crying today when I saw Sylvan, Wolfie, Joyce, and Phil off at the RedDoubleLionTree. Sniffled all the way home in the car.

I would have been crying if I’d had a chance to see MEDancer once more before she left. If I hadn’t passed out, except for two brief periods when I was awake because I was thirsty.

I miss them all already. :(

Well, I’ve completely missed by now. Post-convention exhaustion and slight case of melancholy that always comes with the end of con has kept me sleeping. And the truly stupid part is that I’m still feeling completely exhausted. I could go right back to sleep right now.

I’m sorry, Dancer. I really meant to be there. I so wanted to be there!

Much as I want to go back to sleep, I flatly refuse to. Because then I’ll also miss and today. Bad enough that tiredness kept me from spending a bit of post-convention time with one of the people I adore that has moved out of state. I refuse to miss out on spending time with ALL of them before they go home.

How Compatible are You with me?

So much for a short nap so I could be at the hotel and go swimming with . I just slept right through two alarms, it seems. And would still be asleep if I hadn’t gotten so thirsty while asleep.

*sigh*

Oh well. I’m going back to bed. Maybe I can wake up early enough to see her before she heads back to Aridzona. There was too much going on during the convention for me to be able to spend much time at all with her, and I miss her sooooooo much.

I had that burst of energy that lasted weekend-long that I always get during con. Not like it used to be when I was younger, certainly, and I’d do the whole con on little to no sleep. I did sleep, every night. But I can still feel the post-convention letdown happening. After and I left the hotel for lunch, I started winding down. Now I can barely keep my eyes open. I told that I’d be back tonight, and told and that I’d be back tomorrow sometime. However, before I even consider going back, or writing about some of the stuff that happened at con, or anything like that, I think I’m going to take a nap. And I’m not normally a nap kind of girl. Just as I was opening lj to write something, though, I got hit by this familiar post-con wave of exhaustion. It has me so tired and drained that I can barely keep my eyes open.

Off to sleep. Talk more when less braindead.

Gothic Funky Noble Heffalump Soundtrack to your life: Sisters of Mercy – Dominion Favourite website: http://www.oxfam.org/ Quote: For honour and justice ! Certified heffalumps.org Personality Test result.

Take the “How Do You Use Magic?” test! Written by Brimo

I’ve seen many people go through their “firsts” at convention.

There was, of course, my first con. The insanity of it all. The drinking, the wine cooler fights that left the hotel floor sticky, the switchblade I bought with the thought that I’d off the guy who dumped me three days before con start, playing a drunken game of volleyball in the room by strobe light, a kid stealing my switchblade to stalk the gay boy that was hanging with, the same kid jumping off our third-floor balcony… So much more. I can (and have) told stories about that first convention for hours on end.

’s first Con, dropped off by so she could go home and take care of some things that needed taking care of. I took him all over the con and introduced him to everyone. This, of course, was back during the time that it seemed like I knew everybody at con. Couldn’t walk five steps down the hall without running into someone else I knew. I remember the Taratula fights on Sylvan’s legs, Sylvan announcing that gravity pulled him under the table and wouldn’t let him out, Sylvan talking about the strange colors swirling on the ceiling. I remember getting him crash space in the room I was in, and Sylvan thinking that the lip smacking sounds coming from the bed were the two boys in the bed kissing.

Then there was the first con when I paid attention to anything besides the parties. I’d been aware that events were going on all weekend, I just never went to them. But then I discovered the dances, the costume contest, the masquerade, the panels, the guests. I discovered con-going all over again once I grew past the party stage, and it was almost like going to my first convention all over again. I discovered champagne brunch at Maxi’s on Sunday, and that was a wonderful new thing. Mimosas and bagels with lox and cream cheese, so much to eat that I needed a wheelbarrow for my stomach after.

There was the first con I went to after I moved to New Jersey, and that was like coming home. Everyone I loved and missed was there, and I spent most of the convention reconnecting with those people. Many of my old friendships deepened and grew at that convention.

The first convention when I discovered anime (actually sometime before the move to New Jersey.) I watched Vampire Hunter D for the first time there in the anime room, and I was hooked.

The first (and so far, only) convention where I managed to get kicked out of a party. It was a K&S porn party, and I was kissing a boy on the bed. They told us to take it somewhere else. I guess we were too heterosexual for them.

The first convention that I let myself get talked into working at the con instead of just attending it. Just last year. Head Kinkajou, as I am this year. I swore I’d never work at a convention until that point. After the con was over, I swore I’d never work con again. Guess we see how well I keep those kinds of oaths, don’t we? ;)

So many firsts. I could sit here all night in order to list them all.

And now, I get to be present at another first. ’s first BayCon will be this weekend. I love introducing someone to con. It reminds me of when it was all new and strange to me too. It brings back the sense of discovery I had then. I sometimes jokingly call Sylvan my little lost puppy dog, from that TimeCon all those years ago when I took him under my wing and showed him the convention. But the truth is that I loved it. I had never semi-mentored someone through their introduction to a convention before. And I guess I did okay, cause Sylvan’s still going to them and still friends with some of the people I introduced him to then. I have so many wonderful memories of Sylvan’s first convention. And I hope that I can help Locke to have wonderful memories of his first con, too.

And speaking of con… I have to finish up the laundry and packing so I’m ready to check in tomorrow/today.

Bye for now. Be back when the convention is just another memory to add to 15 years of others.

The Sheriff’s Dept. in Bakersfield that released him in spite of the judge’s agreement that he should stay in jail. The local police have been very supportive starting with the second arrest. Lots has happened since he was released the morning after the arrest he wasn’t supposed to be released from, but I’m too destroyed to talk about it at great length. Today, at Mother’s request, I had him arrested for violating the protective order. We also found out that he had stolen checks from Mother’s personal account and wrote them for almost $1,300. Grandpa’s name was never removed from the account after he died, and John has ID proving that he has that name, if you don’t count the III at the end. The bank accepted it.

Anyway, we have him on violating the order, and, if Mother doesn’t wimp out, on forgery. Maybe I’ll get some rest.

I made the offer to come down and help out this weekend, despite it being BayCon weekend and I have a commitment to work there as head of night reg. I know it’s late notice, I know it leaves the con short a night reg person, and I know it’s not cool. But my poor Mom has been through so much because of my psychotic asshole of a cousin that I’d plead family emergency or whatever else it took, and head down there. But she told me not to bother and to go have a good time at BayCon.

*sigh* I feel torn between two duties, despite her telling me that.

Ummm… Okay, if you say so…

I’m exceptionally artistic!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.

Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you’re artistic? Fair enough. Perhaps they haven’t. But now that you know, you must become one with your inner self.

Virtues: You look for immense creativity and individuality in people, including yourself. You’re not happy with anything less than brilliant, and you focus on being expressive. You value energy, liveliness, and upbeat personalities, but you’re not supportive of moodiness when you yourself can be unreliably moody. Seeking activity, you like the bustle of business but need the secluded atmosphere of a studio or private corner.

Aspirations: You feel the need to express your talents, whether it be through writing, drawing, singing, dancing, composing, performing, or photographing. While you strive to ever improve your work, you want to display it as soon as possible when your impatience kicks in. You want to be a prodigy but you might not have the means right at your fingertips. Trust me, do NOT move to New York to do it. Yeesh!

Quirks: Conformists bother you because of their lack of individuality. You’re often late or unreliable. You’re showy and refuse to share the spotlight. You only tell little white lies. You worm your way into the hearts of others, but be careful; some people despise the show-offs.

Factors: Surround yourself with activity and you’ll always have material to work with. Involve friends and family in your projects so they don’t feel like envious outsiders.

Future: Show business or not, you’ll settle down happily if you’re among those who appreciate your natural talents and desire to perform. Don’t stay in one place too long, and don’t be too hasty in defining your relationships. Who are you to judge what only time will tell?

Really? I never would have guessed… :p

I’m tired. I mean, tired enough to sleep. Verging on exhausted, really. And before the sun comes up.

This may not seem like news to most people, but for an insomniac, it’s pretty damn major. Especially an insomniac who goes through most of her life with at least a low-grade level of tiredness that she doesn’t have a choice about.

I might actually *gasp* get enough sleep to have some energy at work, and not be grumpy.

But only if I go take advantage of this. G’night!

…and just had to be shared.

Sweet Release

And a part of the conversation around the site…

Her: What kind of scientist spends his time researching to come up with a product like this?

Him: Welcome to the human race.

Take the Desert Creatures Test!

Which RPG system are you?

by Mr. Vimes

Him: Oh, come on. We both need each other. Can you picture what the world would be like without men?

Her: Sure. No such things as makeup and high heels, and lots of happy, fat women.

Thursday, I get to see my and his Wolfie. At least, I hope so. The two of them are going to try to sneak away and join me for lunch, since my lunch hour is at about 7pm and I work about two and a half blocks from the hotel.

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!

I miss them and love them sooooooo much. It will be wonderful to see them again.

DAMN! I just remembered… I had something I wanted to ask Wolfie last night. I should have done it tonight when he called, but I didn’t think of it until now.

Well, if I don’t bump into him on Yahoo Messenger between now and Thursday, I can always ask him then.

And then Friday, I can see again. It’s been far too long! Last time she was in the area, I was in Seattle visiting Sylvan and Wolfie. And the one before that I missed seeing her, too. I think the last time I got to see her was BayCon last year!

And I get to drag around his first BayCon. I haven’t dragged someone around a convention in a long time. Not since I dragged the silly Sylvan around his first TimeCon.

Hmmm… Maybe I’ll have a new little lost puppy. :D

*ducks and hides from Sylvan*

I hate that the mandatory meeting starts at 11am. I am so tired. And when we’re done with packet stuffing and badge making, I get to drive back to Berserkly and then myself back home. I hope I can find someone to ride with me or do the driving. Otherwise, I’ll probably fall asleep behind the wheel.

They need an alternate mandatory meeting for Kinkajous. We’re nocturnal animals, dammit. Me more than most.

Ugh. Want to go back to sleep.

Well, better get moving or we’ll be late. Though I think I can be excused for not showing up on time. This is approximately my 3am, after all.