Regina Noctis

We were just 15 minutes shy of a 12 hour shift for the full-timers tonight. The part-timers actually got to work 8 hours for a change. It’ll probably be as bad, or worse, on the final night of the month. We were warned that EPIC South Bay was expected to set new records for productivity this month and next. Looks like they weren’t kidding. This is the time of the month that I always refer to as Hell Week, because it’s so busy.

In spite of that, I spent the whole night either laughing or, at the very least, smiling. Life is good right now.

I probably would have been as stressed and tired as most of my co-workers had it not been for one thing. Lunch. Lunch was particularly good. had today off, so he joined me for lunch. We went to the little Japanese place a couple blocks from the office, and stuffed ourselves silly on sushi, all my favorite maki that they make there. It was a little pricey, but very good. The company was even better. Love talking with Lynx. He’s got a talent for making me feel perfectly comfortable and at ease when we’re hanging out.

It doesn’t hurt, either, that he’s quite excellent eyecandy. ;)

We talked and laughed for some time. And then he commented that he hadn’t heard me laugh like that before. It made me think about it and realize that no, I guess I haven’t really laughed a lot in the time he’s known me. There’ve been enough things going on over the last year or so that took away some of my ability to laugh and enjoy myself. It hasn’t been all stress and sadness, but there have certainly been some very difficult times. It just underscored how much things have changed in the last couple weeks. Not just in my life, but inside me. I’m not only happy, but there’s a sense of freedom I haven’t felt in a long time. I don’t know whether Lynx is the source or a catalyst, or some of both. I just know that it feels so good, and that it is linked to him in one way or another.

That also reminded me of something. I almost mentioned it while we were at lunch, but we were about out of time. I had to get back to work before I was too terribly late.

Up until last BayCon, I had never really spoken to Lynx. I’d seen him around, I’d said hi a time or two, but that was the extent of it. For all intents and purposes, his name might as well have been ’s Boyfriend. I didn’t know him, so he didn’t have an identity beyond that. I probably didn’t have an identity for him beyond Friend of the Girlfriend.

That changed, for me, at BayCon 2002. I talked with Lynx while I was doing my reg shift one night. He stopped by, and since we were in a lull, he and I sat and talked for a little while. Not long. There’s always something that comes up at Con to be a distraction. And though we weren’t talking about anything amazing, I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. In that time, I felt a click, a connection, however you want to term it. I have no idea if he felt anything like that then, since I never got the chance to bring it up once it got recalled to mind today. It was the kind of feeling, though, that made me think, “Hey, I gotta talk to this guy more. I’d like to get to know him.” I already… always had… found him physically attractive. And of course, would never have done or said anything about that attraction, seeing as how he was with a very near and dear friend. But I began to get a sense during that first talk of who he is, a little about him as a person, from the way he expressed himself. I liked the person I was beginning to see. This was someone who I wanted to have as a friend.

was having a party up in his room through the nights of the convention. On that particular night, the night I first really talked with Lynx, I wasn’t planning to go. It had been a long day, a stressful shift, and I was tired. and I both just wanted to get something to eat, settle in our room, watch some TV, and then fall asleep. So we ordered pizza and settled in with a cheesy slasher flick.

wasn’t having any of that, however. We got a call when he realized we weren’t showing up at the party. He talked us into making an appearance. It’s hard for a good hag to say no to her fag, especially when he’s using that tone of voice. So, Lockehart and I headed up to the party. We didn’t bother to change, we just went in our pajamas.

Even though I was tired, I was glad I went. I had a good time talking with the friends who were there. But I kept looking around, even with my pet fag there, who usually would have kept all my attention. I was hoping to spot Lynx, so I could talk with him a while longer too. But I didn’t see him there, and eventually gave up.

Sylvan the ever-distracted disappeared from the party eventually. After all, I wasn’t the only hag or the only friend he needed to see. I don’t blame him, and was actually rather content with the amount of his time I’d managed to take. And I was tired, and Lockehart was tired, and we wanted sleep. So, with Sylvan gone, we decided that the main show was over and we were going to crash.

While I was making my round of goodbyes, who should I run into but the very person I’d been looking around for, and then given up on.

So, I stopped and talked with Lynx rather than leave right away. Again, it was no deep, amazing conversation. But it was so much fun. We mostly talked about registration, actually. Nothing to write home about. Despite that, and how tired I was, and how much I’d wanted to just sleep and put the day behind me, I didn’t want to leave. I knew Locke was waiting on me (I had the key to the room. He hadn’t brought his.) But I stayed to talk with Lynx anyway. It didn’t last nearly as long as I wanted it to. Despite the temper tantrum my inner spoiled brat threw about cutting the conversation so short, I began to feel guilty about making Locke wait around. So, I eventually made my goodnight to Lynx, and Locke and I left.

All of that should have warned me. I should have known how difficult it would be now to end whatever time we’re spending together for those unimportant things like sleep and work. If I felt it then, at the bare beginnings of a friendship, it should have been obvious to me that it would be much more difficult now.

Even talking with him then, I still had a small taste of the kind of good, happy feelings I have now, the inner sense of freedom, the feelings of comfort and relaxation. There were small, but they were there. Don’t know how he does it, but it’s still there. It’s addictive. He should bottle it and sell it. People wouldn’t be able to get enough. He’d be rich overnight.

He should also bottle That Look. The one he aimed at me Saturday, when he came back into the Mini from grabbing his coat. The one that made me glad I was already leaning against the wall. He could make another mint marketing that as an aphrodisiac.

Well, it’s almost seven in the morning, and I’ll have another long night ahead of me. I should go crawl into bed and dream happy dreams until time to wrestle with escrow again. That would probably be much more intelligent than rambling like this. It’d certainly be better for me. But hell, how often do I do something just because it’s good for me?

Off I go to try and get enough sleep for the next Hell Night. Except I doubt it’ll be all that hellish, in this mood. No matter how many files. Our count was 90 last night, and I couldn’t stop grinning.

Hey, EOs of First American… bring it on!

Well, went and did it. Come Sunday, I’ll be heading into the city with to see one of my favorite musicals. Mama Mia, here we come. I can’t wait. I’ve wanted to go back and see it again, ever since the first time I saw it in company with , , and . Well, it finally wandered back this way. Woohoo! I’m so excited!

How Will You Die?

just left a few minutes ago.

I love spending time with him. He’s so wonderful.

Now, must motivate and get motivated. Heading over to visit Lynx and and watch a movie. If, that is, we’re still welcome there after sleeping so late. May be too late for Sniffles to want guests. Can’t call and ask either. I already tried. The phone is busy.

Well, if we get turned away at the door, I’ll just have to drag Devon someplace for food instead.

Originally a private post

And now, a little something just for me. Up until I decide to take the privacy off, once the situation is far enough in the past that it won’t matter.

I really like Lynx. I mean really like him. That’s just getting more so all the time. I can feel that, while I’m not there yet, I’m almost within sight of crush/infatuation territory. I’m more into him every time I see him.

I could seriously fall for him, and that would be bad, especially so quickly. I know that he doesn’t want to be in some kind of a relationship right now. Our friends-with-benefits status is what he wants. And I am enjoying every moment of it. The way he touches me, the way he responds to my touch, the way he looks at me, the way he kisses… it’s all wonderful. And so is just talking with him, or cuddling with him. Even just falling asleep with my arms around him. I don’t want any of that to come to a stop, even temporarily. But it might have to, at least for a little while. If I do more than get within sight of that border between close, intimate friendship and crush, it will become necessary. Because the journey from there to falling for him is far too short and easily accomplished. That’s not okay unless it’s mutual. And I sure don’t want to either put him in the uncomfortable position of being the object of an unwanted crush. I know how that feels all too well. I also don’t want to pressure him, intentionally or not, to change his desire to be unattached in that manner.

I knew when we began what I was getting myself into and what the risks are. And it’s only been a little over a week now, I know. But I also know myself well enough to know the warning signs of infatuation. I’m not there, and that’s good. Hopefully, I can hold my ground. It’s too much too fast, as is usual with me. When I find what I like, my emotions just run with it. And Jesus God, do I like him.

I was a little better at holding my own up until the last morning he was here. Was it really only yesterday morning? I’ve gone through so much in my head that it feels much longer ago than that.

He told me that I’m goddamned beautiful. And in a tone of voice that completely silenced every one of the evil little voices in the back of my head that argue with things like that.

“Can I tell you something you won’t believe?”

“What’s that?” My voice shook. Something told me already that it was going to be something that would affect me on the deepest level.

“You are goddamn beautiful.”

I couldn’t help it. I cried. I leaned in and put my arms around him and thanked him, and cried. And he kissed away my tears.

I know that Pete told me I was beautiful. He typed it to me. And while that was deeply affecting for someone who has such had such a deep need to be told that by someone I cared about, and told that in a way I would believe it, it wasn’t the same. It did make me feel good when Pete said it, and I did believe him. But it didn’t have the same kind of impact. It was nothing like this. Not when I could feel Lynx’s eyes on me, and hear in his voice that he absolutely meant it.

I have needed to hear that, from a man that I have strong feelings for. I’ve needed it so long, it developed the emotional equivalent of a small nuclear bomb. It’s been so important, almost talismanic in the intensity with which I’ve longed for just those words. I needed to hear that from a man who said it in such a way that there could not be even the slightest hint of a doubt. The evil voices silenced by one simple sentence. I never thought it would happen.

But it did. It made me so ecstatic, I couldn’t hold back the tears.

And then when he kissed my tears away, I nearly fell in love right then and there. That, for me, is another powerful thing, and it came right on the heels of one of the most powerful things.

I could love him.

But I can’t. Not now. Maybe not ever.

All caught up reading all the entries my friends have made over the last several days. I’ve been rather too distracted to even think about LJ or PH or much of anything else for a few days now. Good distraction, though.

So now that I’ve caught up on reading here, I need to do the same on PH, and then get busy writing. I’m way behind, and owe some posts in the novels I’m a part of. When I’ve fallen behind because of this or that in the past, I’ve always felt guilty about it. I know that there are other people waiting on me so they can continue their storylines. I know that I have some characters that have some degree of significance in several story arcs, so when life takes me away from writing, I feel like I’ve let down some friends.

Not this time, though.

It’s been quite some time since I’ve felt this good or this happy. Not saying I was depressed. Mostly either stressed (usually in relation to the ongoing horror story of Delano) or pretty much, well, neutral. It’s hard to get worked up about what’s going on in your life when your life is mostly work, and then home. Of course, when things in Delano get bad, or I remember the way some of the other bad events of the past few years have ground me down for a while, neutral is a relief. I look forward to neutral.

I’ve just been in that neutral state for long enough, when not dealing with the cousin John/family issues, that I was more than ready for a positive change.

Though this positive a change was the last thing I would have thought of making an appearance. I’m not entirely over being surprised by it. I get new doses of being surprised by it regularly, to tell the truth. Surprised by happiness. I think we could all use a lot more of that in our lives. I know I sure did.

So, no guilt. I’m going to put aside the tomorrows. They can take care of themselves, and worrying about what they might bring isn’t going to accomplish anything. In the past, I’ve sometimes dimmed the shine of the now by worrying about what might happen tomorrow. Not this time. Sure, there may be consequences of this decision, but whatever they are, by making the choice that I did, I chose them too. They will arrive when they do, for good or for bad, and I’ll deal with that when they’re here. I’m not going to play the “what if” game that I’ve sometimes been prone to. Feelings of happiness, absolute contentment with right now, and even a sense of serenity like I’ve been experiencing for the past week, haven’t come along all that often. I’m not going to make the mistake of dimming their shine by worrying about what bad stuff might be down the road. I think that after everything else that has happened, I deserve a little unsullied good feeling. And if there is bad stuff or hurt down the road, whether from this situation that has made me feel good now or from something else entirely, it will be an acceptable price for feeling this good right now.

So, if there comes a point in the future when this becomes something that hurts, and I’m tempted to rail about it, I can turn back here and remind myself that it’s something I chose. I’ve spent too much time ranting about how the universe at large constantly throws things at poor, undeserving me.

I made my choice, therefor I chose whatever consequences come from it. And this time, I’m not doing “poor me, these things just happen to me for no reason.”

Note to me, if I wander back by here sometime…

Take responsibility for the choice you made. You chose this. You could have kept silent in the beginning. You could have said, “No, not what I’m looking for.” You could have backed out when he sent that email and the discussion of risks started. You didn’t. No one forced you. The world at large didn’t do this just to fuck with you. You went in with your eyes open, and the results, whether good or bad, are all yours. Your responsibility. Deal with it.

Hmmm… a sex sign, huh? How about “MORE!” or “NOW!” That sounds about right for the mood I’m in.

On the other hand, according to the quiz…

What’s *Your* Sex Sign?

Virgo, you are strikingly attractive – with the best legs and firmest ass of the Zodiac!

More than anything, you must be treated with respect – no one-night stands, no quickies in the back of a car. You consider lovemaking an event, and you will spend hours creating the perfect scene for love: perfumed sheets, wine, candlelight, lingerie….

No one can beat you for sexual know-how. You are a technical expert. You know all the places your lover wants to be touched, and you can arouse anyone with your tongue and hands. You’ll take special care to find out exactly what your lover likes best in bed. Sexually, you’re a giver.

And while you like to be possessed sexually, when you say “no” – you mean it. You like to be a bottom, but you also like to call the shots.

Underneath your classy exterior, you are a wild sex-machine. You are an all-night lover, and you seldom tire of giving and receiving sexual pleasure!

That was quite a morning.

He makes me feel special without even trying. He doesn’t even have to say anything. It’s in the way he looks at me. One of those looks that make me go weak in the knees.

Not that I’m complaining about what he says, either, mind you. ;)

If the job hadn’t called, I’d have kept him right up until it was time for me to go to my job. Sleep be damned. Who needs it anyway? Especially when you’re curled up with someone like that.

I’m not even sure what we’d be classified as, for those who like to pigeonhole things.

It’s not love. Not yet. Too soon for that. Not even a week since the post that he recognized was about him, and the email he sent in response that made me open my eyes. But it’s still something more than a friendship. Friends with intent? I don’t know. If they’ve invented a word for this, then I haven’t learned it.

Whatever it is, I’m happy. Swollen bottom lip and all.

(And no, before anyone jumps to conclusions knowing my past, it wasn’t like that. Just… enthusiasm. ;) )

Just wish that there’d been more time before he had to head to work.

Email is down. I want to see if I have email. This sucks.

It may not be earth-shattering, but it’s important to me right this moment.

*grumble*

News at work that’s both good and bad.

They’ve hired two people for the night crew already. They informed the night lead Sara, and she told me.

That’s good, cause we desperately need the help. We’ve been so slammed as it is, and the end of the month is coming fast.

But that’s bad because I was hoping to get and in for those two positions. I was going to turn in Lynx’s resume today, and the lead told me when I mentioned doing so.

Well, hell.

I completely failed to take my mind off of Sunday morning. I’m not surprised. Guess I’ll just have to go to work with the continuation of the dopey grin I wore yesterday. My co-workers and cow-orker (with thanks to for introducing me to the term) can put up with my cheerfulness all day today. Poor them. Two workdays in a row of me being insufferable, even though they were split apart by a weekend.

Props to for putting up with me all the days I’ve been insufferable. *grins*

Tonight is likely to be an extremely busy night at work. Last Monday, the night I called out sick, the night crew wound up working until 3:30 in the morning. Tonight will probably be bad, too. Maybe that will succeed in knocking the grin off my face. Though I doubt it. Nothing much seems to be damping my mood down to something a little more fit for public consumption.

So, I’m in the throes of like. Pretty heavy like. So sue me.

I’m going to stop thinking now about how great the cuddling was.

Well, try to, anyway.

Book. Yes. That will help. Where’s my book?

Now that was what you call a wonderful morning.

‘Scuse me for a bit. I think I’m going to wander around with a big, dopey grin for a while. Hehehe

All of the sudden, I’m feeling kind of shy. ME shy. Go figure.

I was going to read until I fell asleep. It’s nearly two hours ago that I decided this.

I can’t concentrate on reading. I keep checking email and LJ. And even though I’m tired, I’m too wound up to sleep.

The bounciness from the email during my “morning” hasn’t worn off, and it just makes me crave talking with a particular someone way too much right now for me to be able to relax toward sleep.

The things a fascinating, good-looking guy can do to my ability to sleep…

Ahhhh well. Off to climb into the book again, until the next time the little voice says, “Hey, wonder if he’s said anything. Maybe we should check.”

So, I’ve had this bout of bronchitis for almost a week now. I’m more fed up with it than I have words to describe.

It finally seems to be on its way out now, though. I actually have a little energy, which I haven’t for most of the week. I’ve been forcing my way through work with great difficulty, but otherwise doing not much of anything. I’ve felt like a complete airhead. The constant coughing, the decongestant medication, the lack of sleep because I keep getting woken up by further coughing even when medicated, has all combined to make me absolutely spacey. I’ve spent much of this week doing things like pulling up to green lights and stopping, and only eventually realizing they’re green and I can go.

The coughing has become a much deeper thing. I can feel it reaching down into my chest, breaking up the accumulated yuck and clearing it out. I can breathe much easier. I hate this stage, since I invariably cough my way into splitting headaches and pulled muscles, but at least it means that it’s getting close to over.

This has been a very short bout. Usually, when I get my yearly bout of bronchitis, I can’t shake it for two weeks. Thank Eris for small favors this time around.

I got up this “morning” and read my email.

Wow. Just… fucking… WOW.

*bounces*

I had no idea. But that email set me straight, and damn did it make me happy.

I can tell I’m going to be insufferable at work today. Yay for insufferable!

As a contrast to my previous post, I’ve discovered someone that tests my self-control quite effectively. Though I have not descended to trying to apply any pressure whatsoever in the situation, and plan on remaining in control enough that there never will be pressure. I’d like to think I handle it with a lot more class than my ex-friend did.

There are, of course, a number of mitigating circumstances to help me keep said control.

A recent breakup, for one. Everyone needs healing time. Don’t I know that all too well, from far more personal experience than I’d like.

The situation is one that has always been a hands-off policy for me anyway. He was with a very dear friend of mine. Obviously, that is a hands-off thing. But I’ve always kept my distance even after a breakup, if the girl is a friend of mine. I’ve seen the whole dating-your-friend’s-ex thing destroy friendships. Normally, this keeps me from even developing an interest. But, well, I guess this one would be an exception. The more I talk with him, the more I have to remind myself that it’s Not A Good Idea. It’s difficult. Who he is appeals to me even more than how he looks. And that’s saying something, since I think he is (as another friend of mine and I agreed) a fuckin’ hottie.

Three, the same friend who agreed with me on that score likes him too. Once again, a case that might damage a friendship.

I am happy to be friends with him, and don’t see it likely to go beyond that. Even if there weren’t all these other considerations, I get no feeling of reciprocal interest here. But my inner spoiled brat has been rampaging. I’ve had a running internal dialog, mostly dominated by cries of, “So what about those reasons? Go for it! You’ve been through enough crap in your life and given up a lot of things because it made someone else happy. Do it for yourself and forget all that other stuff!”

Inner spoiled brat or no, it’s just not who I am to ignore those things.

Dammit.

There was a boy I was friends with during my brief stint of playing on The Realm. He, his online-only girlfriend, and I quested together a bit. It was fun. We had a good time talking. He was a good friend. It was good, after left me, to have someone completely outside and unacquainted with he situation to hang out with and talk. We never talked about my then-recent breakup with Mixiebear. The talking and questing for treasure and experience points for our characters was just the break I needed from everything else that was going on at the time.

He’s very Christian, though one of the few I’ve met who doesn’t care whether everyone else is Christian with him. He didn’t mind that I am not Christian, never tried to push his views on me.

Because of his beliefs, he told me once that he’s remaining a virgin until he gets married. And he wants to find a woman with strong Christian values who has also kept herself “pure” for her marriage someday. I did have issues with this, but I kept them to myself. I wasn’t going to push my views on him either. So I restrained my desire to make comments along the lines of, “I would hope that when you marry, you’re marrying the woman and not the hymen.”

His beliefs, however, apparently did not apply to things beyond the purely physical realm. Because from there, things began to get weird and he wasn’t really that much of a friend any longer.

He started pressuring me to have cybersex. By then, we’d become good enough friends that we’d talked on the phone a few times, and he would call late nights when he knew I’d be home from work, and try to pressure me into having phonesex with him. He emailed me, telling me he was sending “a couple pics of me.” When I opened the email, it was close-up shots of his cock he’d taken while masturbating to orgasm. When he knew I’d have to have seen them, he called me up and started asking me what I thought of that.

I was far too nice about it. I didn’t tell him what I was thinking. I was thinking that, well, though I hadn’t been expecting it, that was a mighty little surprise.

He started harassing me on Yahoo! Messenger after I left the Realm. It’s made me not want to log in at all. I look when I log in, and if I see him online with his message (Come in if you’re sexy and love Jesus!) then I log right the hell back out. I hate going on invisible. I’ve got friends who habitually log in under the invisible mode, and if we’re both invisible, neither of us will ever know that the other is on.

I don’t like being mean about it, but saying nicely that I don’t like the way he’s acting isn’t getting through his thick, hormone-ridden head.

Ignore list, here he comes. It’s too bad. Up until all of this started, he’d been a good friend.

Against my better judgment, I stayed home from work today after all. When I got up this afternoon (okay, more like tried to get up) I was feeling too weak and ill to go. I called in sick and have been taking it easy since. Spending most of the day wandering in and out of sleep seems to be helping me feel a little better. I should be able to get to work tomorrow.

I just know how strict they are about sick days. It’s possible that they’ll fire me for not being at work today.

I work at such a lovely place.