The crazy, it burns
I was supposed to be finishing up what I needed to do around here, and then hitting the road for a week-long trip to visit friends in Arizona.
As of last night, the trip is cancelled. As is one of the friendships that I really valued.
Out of the blue, the friend that I was going to be crashing with while I was visiting him and several others in Arizona went nuts on me. He accused me of betrayals and lies. All because I didn’t tell him about something I’d only learned about two days before, and that should not have been an issue. I certainly didn’t see it as an issue. The guy I’m kinda-sorta involved with made decision to audition as a DJ, for the same online radio station as my now ex-friend. So what? I still don’t see how not bringing this up is in any way a betrayal. And in the course of his ripping into me, I discovered that he’d deliberately lied to me. So really, who betrayed who?
But my former friend’s definition of betrayal seems to include mistakes, or just not knowing that something would ever be an issue, rather than something deliberately perpetrated. So it was inevitable that he’d find some reason to decide I’d betrayed him.
During the course of this, he indicated that he knew who I was working for, and one of the dumbest things about this whole bout of crazy is that I dislike the person he accused me of working for to betray and hurt him. It’s someone I say hi to periodically, because I am civil and polite. But that is the extent of it.
And my ex-friend just kept going and going, with increasing vitriol. He said some horrible thing to me, and in the end I wound up crying… no, not crying, sobbing out loud, honestly… for about two hours. The only time I’ve been hurt so badly by a friend was years ago, when my best friend was heavy into crank and I couldn’t take the change in him. I tried to end the friendship with my best friend then, because I knew that if things continued as they were, I’d have nothing but memories of hurt and hate after all the years he’d been my nearest and dearest friend. I didn’t want to wind up at that point. This time, with this friend, it was even worse in some ways, because it wasn’t something I geared up for ahead of time. It was an unwarranted attack, completely out of the blue.
The worst of the hurt is behind me, but I’m still swinging between anger and hurt. I expect I will be for a few days yet at least. I’ll be fine, and then suddenly raging, or else find I’m suddenly crying again. I don’t deal well with endings, and never have. Losing a friend leaves me heartbroken in so many ways. I love my friends with great intensity, and that makes the hurt after something like this also quite intense.
Were it not for my other dear friends there – Sal, Iggy, Div, and Yar – I’d have just left SSW for good last night, rather than chance running into the friend who did this again.
*sniff* What’s that smell?
Yesterday afternoon: Step into my room and notice a very unpleasant smell. Step outside to check if the same smell is out there. No, it’s just in my room. Run into both of the handymen, who are repainting the house. Determine it’s not the paint. They step into my room, and we all three recognize the smell as burning rubber. Turn off the cooler and let the room air out. Sure enough, it’s the cooler, which we’d just had worked on recently because the pump had died.
Yesterday evening: Broil in my room with only the ceiling fan running. Give up and go skinny dipping in the swimming pool around midnight to cool off. Eventually wander back into the house, fiddle around online for a while, then attempt to get sleep.
Dawn this morning: Still awake. Too accustomed to the white noise produced by the cooler after these months. With it turned off, can now hear every creak of the house settling, every sound from outside. Completely unable to sleep until sometime after full daylight.
Approximately two hours later: Woken up by new smells of burning rubber. The people are here to service the cooler, and in order to do so, it has been turned on. Wake up with massive headache, wander into the house, and attempt to go back to sleep. 20 minutes later, woken by my cat, who is feeling better after a trip to the vet and pain medication for feline acne. Cat now wants wuv, and is willing to purr frantically in my ear, butt my hand with his head, and sink his claws into my feet until he gets it. Give up sleeping and pet the cat until he calms down. Grab a couple mochas and a smoke, go out to my room where the cooler is again off, and fiddle around online until hammering on roof done and cooler working properly again.
About three hours later (now): Exhausted, but caffeine has kicked in and unable to go back to sleep. Cranky, eyes burning from missed sleep, still vaguely headachey as cooler blows the rest of the smell out of its innards and it is cycled through the room and out the windows, nose running in reaction to the smell. Considering attempting to sleep in the main house again, but will probably be accosted by the Kibbe cat again. Also unwilling to go in to get enough caffeine to feel more awake, as will doubtless run into grandmother unit and be completely unable to take her bitching and snide remarks with anything resembling civility or diplomacy. Vaguely hating everyone and everything at the moment.
This day had better get a lot fucking better.
How do I manage these things?
I was playing one of the games I play. The game is full of secret societies, and one of the way to gain power within your society is to sex0r your societymates. (Yes, that is an option throughout the game, and not just with others in your society.) There are satellites – LuvSats – that increase power gains from clicking the button marked sex0r. I invited one of my societymates to a luvsat, because it would help him in the society. Not me so much, I’ve got the third highest power in the society already, and his power is so much lower than mine, the difference in power I’d gain from him and what he’d gain from me was well over 100 points.
Somehow, inviting a societymate to sex0r (and seriously, it’s all just clicking a button three times. Not something to even raise an eyebrow over, much less get all hot and bothered about.) led to me getting hit on by an 18-year-old. A very determined 18-year-old, who was not accepting any of my gentle attempts at deflection. Or the not-so-gentle ones, for that matter. Age didn’t matter. Weight didn’t matter. Distance didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Somehow, he’s going to make sure that I’m in the Bay Area soon and accessible, regardless of what I say, it seems.
Why am I only irresistible to the ones that are far too frigging young? And with the ones around my age, I’m entirely resistible? How do I manage to do this, especially when this is not what I’m looking for?
*headdesk*
Cause I want to remember
And considering I have Swiss cheese for a memory, this is the best way to remember later.
“I feel like someone who’s given up gambling, but then stumbles onto a winning ticket. And who possibly doesn’t appreciate its true value.”
Right at this moment…
…my fury and my hatred for those little shits knows no bounds.
…I’m grateful that Iggy’s such a fantastic friend.
…I’m making some progress on what I’ve been pursuing fairly intensely in the last several weeks.
…I miss my pet fag.
