Regina Noctis

I was quietly doing a little research. My mom was quietly playing a game. I have no idea what my grandmother was up to, but it was quiet too. Which made the sudden yelling just outside much more obvious.

Whoever it was, it was female and seemed to have one preferred word, which popped up about every three: fuck, and its variations. So I went to find out what exactly was going on.

I’d been waiting for a chance to shower. Even though it was nearly noon, I was still wandering around in pink pajamas. My grandmother decided to start doing laundry just when I was heading toward the shower, so I was waiting for there to be hot water again. I didn’t expect to have to go confront insanity while clad in pink pajamas.

But there insanity was, in the form of a slightly chubby Hispanic woman in black leather jacket and black jeans, her hair piled haphazardly on top of her head, and black wraparound shades hiding at least some of the crazed look she had on her face.

She was screaming at Shaddy, who was standing in the open door to his room (formerly my room, for all of two months). I had no idea what she was on about. The clearest things out of her mouth were the constant variations on “fuck”.

Shaddy started yelling back, about the time that I got out there, telling her to go away. Very mildly, all things considered. She ignored him and just kept right on going.

I stared at this for a moment, and wondered if this was his ex-wife. I’d heard him say she was crazy, and I’d never seen the woman. But then I decided that it’d gone on long enough, and I put on my best intimidating manner and stepped in. I figured that she would only listen to someone who sounded like her, so I told her to get her “fucking ass off my fucking property, and do it right the fuck now, you stupid fucking cunt.”

Oh yeah. I used the c-word that I hate. I figured it’d get her attention. I was right. She turned to me and opened her mouth, but I cut her off before she could get a word out. I repeated, with variations, what I’d already told her. And then told her that if she didn’t, I’d be happy to call the cops and have her arrested for trespassing and disturbing the peace.

So, where she’d ignored Shaddy, she turned and started walking away. She kept right on yelling and swearing the whole time, and now I realized that she was demanding that we go and get her a 20 of dope. What? What the hell was wrong with this crazy bitch?

She got partway down the driveway toward the front of the house, and then stopped and started screaming at Shaddy again, who’d followed a little way behind to make sure she kept going. Thing was that his being there did no good. She wasn’t worried about anything he had to say or do. So I stepped down off the back porch and followed. I told her again to get the fuck off of my fucking property. She turned and started to walk further toward the front of the house, continuing to rant, swear, threaten, and demand that we get her dope. When she got near the sidewalk, but still on our property, she stopped and turned again and started screaming directly at us. Again. Same litany.

I told her to get her fat fucking ass off of our property in the next two seconds, or I’d be on the phone with the cops. She turned to me and told me to go ahead and call the cops, because it wouldn’t matter. “I’m an agent! I’m a fucking agent! The cops ain’t gonna do shit to me! I’m a fucking agent!”

Which is when Shaddy and I started laughing our asses off at her. She did not like that. I’m sure she thought that informing us she was an agent would somehow convince us or scare us. When all it caused was the two of us practically rolling on the floor at the stupidity of that statement, she started screaming again about how we owed her a 20 of dope, and we’d better go get it.

When I could talk again, I told her to get off the property and not to come back, or I’d make sure she was in jail. She started saying that she’d be back. She could come back anytime she wanted because she was a fucking agent! But now she was going to go to Mark’s house. With that she finally left. But she kept on yelling and swearing the whole way.

Mark is our neighbor and lives on the next street over. His backyard adjoins ours. We could trace every step she took to get over to the next street, because she just kept right on yelling. I’m not sure she ever even paused to breathe.

When she got to Mark’s place (who actually is, unlike us, a former drug dealer and may have drifted back into that, from what we’ve been seeing), instead of demanding dope, she began accusing him of stealing her car.

You’d think a dealer would know better than to steal the car of a fucking agent. Heh.

Shaddy told me what had happened. This woman (he wasn’t sure what her name was, but thought it might be Cha Cha) had just showed up here and started off yelling at Juan (another homeless one that my mom took in, who stays out in the bedroom I used to have that got flooded with raw sewage). So Juan went over to Shaddy’s room and ducked inside, but the woman wouldn’t stop. She pounded on the door until Shaddy opened it, and then started up on him. She claimed that he’d sold her Drain-O, and she’d spent three days in the hospital because of it, and he owed her a 20 of dope. That’s what all the stuff that was too incoherent for me had been.

The dumbest thing is that Shaddy is the least vice-ridden one of us all. He smokes an occasional cigarette, but that’s it. He’s otherwise a complete straight arrow. He won’t even drink or eat something that has alcohol in it, as he’s Muslim. No drugs, using or selling. Nada. But supposedly he (and/or Juan, she seemed to get the two of them confused, even when they were both standing right in front of her) sold her Drain-O when she tried to buy dope from him, and now he owed her a 20 of dope.

All we could do once she was finally gone, and we could hear her screaming at Mark, was shake our heads and laugh.

But I guess we’d better be careful.

After all, she’s a fucking agent.